THERE! I FIXED THE MOVIE! - Ralph Breaks the Internet
As much as I find it weird to admit, I actually don't think Ralph Breaks the Internet is a bad movie. Never have, in fact. I always enjoyed it for its commentary on how people use the internet, message on knowing when to let go, decent comedy and spectacular visuals. But if I like the movie, why am I looking at it on There! I Fixed the Movie! anyway? Well, not every movie has to be bad in order to be disappointing, and the disappointment that comes from Ralph Breaks the Internet can be attributed to one major factor, one that almost ruins the whole movie: the way it handles the characters. I'll get to this in a little bit, but for now, how would I fix Ralph Breaks the Internet? Let's begin.
Like I said, the way this movie handles its pre-established characters is asinine. I honestly don’t think they could’ve been handled worse than how they are in this film. Ralph went from a villain with a heart of gold to basically a really tall baby with a clinginess problem, and Vanellope went from an earnest, if a little obnoxious kid who wants to become a racer to a pretty selfish kid who’s willing to abandon her friends and disregard the rules of the first movie to get her way. So, for starters, my first change would be to give these characters a complete overhaul. Like, instead of making Ralph a blithering man-child who feels worthless if he doesn’t have his best friend around him for five seconds, why don’t we make him more like an overprotective father to Vanellope? They can still keep the arc of him learning to let her go pursue her dreams, but they could have it come from a need to protect her rather than just him being kinda creepy. Plus, it could make his actions a little justifiable. In the scene where he gets that virus from the worm dude, maybe at first he could just flat out say no out of not wanting to hurt Vanellope, but the worm manipulates him into thinking this could protect her. I’d also rewrite the scene on the rooftop where Ralph and Vanellope talk about her game being unplugged. In the film, it basically amounts to Ralph downplaying the issue and saying it’s a good thing, not apologising once. I’d change it so that at first, he tries cheering her up, but he ends up failing and he apologises for everything that happened, vowing to set everything right. That could be a good way to get the story going. But hey, Ralph’s just one piece of the puzzle. What about Vanellope? Well, I have no problem with her arc of wanting to explore her passion in a different game on paper, but in execution, the way she’s instantly gung-ho about abandoning Sugar Rush without any thought of what anyone else except sometimes Ralph thinks? Yeah, that’s a little selfish. They can still keep the arc, but I’d rewrite the scene where the two of them fight so that in the end, they’re both tearing into each other, Vanellope yelling at Ralph for being a terrible friend, and vice versa for not considering the consequences of her leaving her game. Hell, one of the biggest surprises for me when it came to this side of the story is that Turbo, the first movie’s villain, isn’t mentioned once. Maybe in the aforementioned fight, the final blow delivered by Ralph could be stating that what Vanellope is doing is really no better than what Turbo did. Then, before the climax begins, we could see both of them realising their wrongs and setting off to make things right.
My second big fix here is fixing up some of the plot holes, because there’s actually quite a lot to cover. For example, how is Felix gonna cover for Ralph while he’s goofing off in the internet? How is Ralph able to go into Sugar Rush, in the middle of the day when his game is clearly gonna get played at one point? How is Ralph able to make tons of videos and get over $40k in under eight hours? Well, for the first two plot holes, I actually have a pretty easy solution. Y’know how Tron’s off limits because there’s a virus in the game? What about instead of Tron, the game with the virus that’s off limits is Fix-it Felix Jr.? Maybe it’s closed off to the characters in the game on account of a team needing to patch the bugs. Not only does that give Ralph free rein to head to Sugar Rush, and that way, Felix wouldn’t need to cover for Ralph since no one would be able to play the game, but it could also set up the ending where the big bad is a giant Ralph virus. It’s a little on the nose, but it works out. As for the videos, while I can buy someone can get up to 27k likes on a video under eight hours, I don’t buy that someone can pump out a dozen videos that are as well produced as they are in the movie in a day, let alone eight hours. What I’d do here is extend the ticking clock from eight hours to twenty-three. This isn’t just on account of him being able to crank out hundreds of videos in one day, but also…they really spent sixteen hours in Slaughter Race? While we’re on the subject of the BuzzzTube subplot, what’s the deal with that comment section scene? Why is it treated as a legit emotional scene? I mean, it’s more unintentionally funny than heart wrenching, all it does is give off “singing killed my grandma, okay?” vibes. I’d change it so that Ralph brushes it off, having sealed with worse comments in his life, tying into his treatment at the start of the first movie, but also just make the scene a little more intentionally funny, going into the weird parts of comment sections. Hell, maybe have Ralph start to read a comment, then stop and say to himself something like “…okay, that’s not very Rated E for everyone”.
This is gonna be a little off topic, but another little minor fix I’d make with the movie is the world of the internet. I’d personally change the sites so that it’s a healthy mix of pre-existing and made up instead of just being dominated by the former. For example; instead of eBay, why not rename it something like Geddit? Instead of Google, why not just expand the role of KnowsMore? The only one I can’t work around is Oh My Disney, but at the same time, the Disney Princess scene is kinda integral to Vanellope’s arc, plus it does set up the best scene in the movie, so it gets a pass.
My last big fix is regarding Felix and Calhoun. The biggest shock I got from this movie is that they’re barely in it at all. Felix gets one major scene before Ralph kicks off the adventure, but that’s it. Originally I thought of changing it so Ralph and Felix would go to the Internet, but then I realized that A. that would render the moral of the movie pointless, and B. it would barely include Vanellope despite her game being shut down being the driving force of the movie. What I’d do is expand their role and give them a little B-story. The movie sets up a really interesting story where the two of them adopt every one of the Sugar Rush racers, only to just do nothing with it. Maybe the subplot would include Felix and Calhoun having different ideas on how to raise a kid, but they end up conflicting with each other on what the right thing to do is. Maybe they could have Felix as a more overprotective dad while Calhoun is more carefree, which could make for a nice parallel to Ralph and Vanellope’s new personas. But this could also flesh the racers out more. Maybe it could show these characters like Taffyta, Candlehead and…the third one, trying to adapt to their situation and having a harder time to adjust to the new family than Felix and Calhoun. Maybe they could sit down and address these issues, thus creating a more heartfelt and wholesome subplot to counterbalance the zany misadventures in the internet. But how would this work if my idea includes Fix-it Felix Jr. being off limits to patch a virus? Well, why not introduce new games (again, both existing and made up) that tie into each racer’s personality that they find themselves in? Not saying they should do that with each individual racer because…well, we still gotta focus on the internet stuff, so maybe they could have these kids learn their lessons as a unit.
So, with all that said, what would this plot look like? Well…
We start with the Wi-Fi router being plugged in before Vanellope vents to Ralph about her bland, samey life. Ralph, wanting to try and help, decides to make a new track for her after learning he can’t go into his game due to a virus needing to be patched. The track is made and Vanellope gets so distracted by it that the steering wheel for the game breaks. The game is unplugged, the racers are homeless, and Ralph, knowing this ordeal is entirely on him, is nothing but apologetic towards Vanellope, vowing to set everything right. And he does! He learns about a steering wheel on a site called Geddit, so they’re off to the internet! They bid too high on it and run into Spamley (btw if you’re wondering why I didn’t fix him, it’s because he’s hilarious and one of the best parts of the movie), who sends them to Slaughter Race to get the car, a game which Vanellope finds really cool, but Ralph doesn’t, fearing that Vanellope could get hurt. Shank directs them to BuzzzTube and they get to video making, squeezing out dozens of videos in just about 23 hours. They eventually get the money to pay back Geddit, but Vanellope discovers her passions in Slaughter Race, not knowing Ralph is overhearing her chat with Shank. Upon remembering how dangerous Slaughter Race is, Ralph goes into full panic mode, explaining the concept of “going Turbo” to Spamley. So what do they do? Go to the dark web, of course! But when the worm guy shows them the virus, Ralph instantly says no, fearing this could hurt Vanellope worse than Slaughter Race ever could. But the worm manipulates Ralph into doing it and it all goes south, proving Ralph’s fears correct. Vanellope finds out Ralph sent in the virus and the two argue, with Ralph calling Vanellope out for not thinking of everyone she’s ever known, saying she’s practically no better than Turbo. Vanellope stops, realising “dude, he’s got a point” and although Ralph instantly regrets what he said, but alas, the two split…not knowing the virus is mass producing countless Ralph clones. The two make up and take the fight to the giant Ralph monstrosity, who go all King Kong and grabs Vanellope, taking her to the top of the KnowsMore site. The two of them let go of their inhibitions and their selfishness and the clones dissipate. The film ends with Ralph and Vanellope, who joins Slaughter Race as part of a promotional event, going their separate ways and realising their own destiny…oh, and there’s a subplot about Felix and Calhoun in there as well. And with that, there ya go! I fixed the movie!
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